Long-Suffering Husband catches a backyard serial killer, and I meet some deadlines
It’s been a busy week here at Camp WTF. Long-Suffering Husband caught a serial killer* in the act, and I met a couple of writing deadlines. But before we get to those thrilling tales: Welcome to the Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Natalie the Explorer! Grab a treat, pull up a seat, and let’s chat.
* Note: a nonstandard definition of, “serial killer,” is used in this post.
Writing News
- I finished my short story for the Left Coast Crime Trouble in Tucson anthology! It’s called “Adam Carmona and the Case of the Saguaro Ripper,” and I submitted it last night. I’m not optimistic about its chances, because it really needs to be about twice as long as it is, but maybe someone will decide my prose is, “sparse and unsparing,” rather than, “chopped up like a teenager in a Friday the 13th movie.”
- I also submitted my poem, “The Future Held in Store,” for the Arizona Authors Association annual literary contest. I’ve never submitted a poem for publication before, so I’m not optimistic about its chances either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
- I’m hosting the Insecure Writers Support Group blog hop this month! Stop by on Wednesday to check it out.
Who’s eating the tomatoes? A backyard mystery
No, that isn’t the title of my new cozy mystery (I don’t write cozies, because I’m virtually incapable of writing more than 2000 words without including swearing and sexual innuendo). It’s a true crime story. Content warning: the following story involves the disembowling of an innocent nightshade berry.
Another stifling summer morning dawns in midtown Tucson. It’s 85F by 8:00 AM, and I want a bacon and tomato sandwich. I stroll out the back door, meditating on the glorious miracle of air conditioning, to seek my sustenance. I reach the tomato bed and freeze. Something looks wrong. The tomato, my beautiful tomato, source of all that is good and right with my breakfast, looks… wrong. Misshapen somehow.
I reach for it anyway, and as my hand closes around it, my finger sinks into a puddle of warm wetness.
I jerk my hand back and shake the red gore from my finger. Dear God, what abomination has befallen us?
When I can muster the courage, I examine the tomato. The underside of its plump, tender body gapes open, its guts bared and crusting over in the merciless desert sun.
A wave of blistering fury surges through me. I’m hungry, dammit!
#
Over the next few days, the perp returns to the scene like the Green River Killer*. And each day, a little more of the corpse disappears as the killer feasts on its decaying guts. And then I find a fresh corpse, mutilated like the previous one.
I resolve to find and destroy the source of this monstrous evil.
* Whatever you do, do NOT read about the Green River killer’s return visits to his dump sites while eating. Trust me.
#
“I need you to catch a serial killer.”
Long-Suffering Husband stares at the box of Frosted Mini-Wheats in his hand. “It looks fine to me.”
“No, no, not cereal. Serial. Don’t you watch Criminal Minds? Anyway, something is killing our tomatoes, and I want you to catch it.”
He shakes his head, pours milk on his cereal, and starts shoving Mini-Wheats in his face hole.
I take away his spoon and replace it with a camera and zoom lens. Then I tow him to the back window. “Stand here and watch the tomato bed. When the killer comes back, take a picture. We need evidence.”
“Can I at least have coffee? Cops on stakeouts get coffee.”
#
10 minutes later
Long-Suffering Husband drops the camera on my desk. “Got ‘im.”
I pop out the memory card, shove it into my computer, review the footage, and finally lay eyes on the evil being that has laid waste to my food supply.
Warning: The following image is graphic in nature. Some viewers may find it disturbing.
Our serial tomato-killer is: a mouse.
Epilogue
Because we operate our own backyard fiefdom in which due process does not exist, we will combine apprehension and execution into a single step in the judicial process–if we don’t decide to grant him clemency due to extenuating cuteness.
The Memery
Just a few memes this week, because the aforementioned writing deadlines kept me from wasting time on social media doing research for this post. Here we go:
I feel so called-out.
Truer words were never tweeted.
Or in my case, “People who have tried to fight a goose.” For the record, the goose (a gander named Hannibal) and I reached a state of détente. He didn’t attempt to eviscerate my leg, and I didn’t hit him over the head with a garbage can lid. Boundaries are so important in relationships.
Replace coffee with “Diet Pepsi,” and this is entirely me.
Also the gas tank cover unlocker thingie. And the cruise control.
Substitute, “urban desert hellscape” for “fast-paced environment,” and… yeah.
And finally:
I’ll show myself out.
If you’re in the USA: Enjoy the long weekend! Try not to blow off any appendages.
If you aren’t in the USA: We get a long weekend, and you don’t! Neener, neener, neener! (Wait, you get at least 6 weeks of vacation every year? Never mind.)
Whatcha all got planned for the weekend?
22 Comments
Lydia C. Lee
Good for you on the writing submissions. I have to say, I LOVED this post. The serial killer biz and horrific graphic photo! Great, great post!
Janet Alcorn
Aww, thank you so much! I had a blast writing it.
Denyse Whelan Blogs
What a darned nuisance that thief was! Hope your desired tomatoes grow and nothing stops you getting your craved meal!! Denyse
Janet Alcorn
Ha! Yeah, he’s a cute little nuisance but a nuisance just the same.
trentpmcd
Canada had a long weekend and 6 weeks of vacation a year! I live close to the border, perhaps with the way this week has gone with the Supreme Court… hmm. Then again, maybe not.
The poor little guy. It is hot and miserable and there isn’t enough to eat. And, what’s this? Ripe tomatoes! Yum! Why not eat just a few? And once one is killed, well, those silly humans can have the others for a while. If you did have due process, I think he might have a case. For now I guess he’ll just have to rely on cuteness.
Have a great weekend!
Janet Alcorn
I’d seriously consider emigrating to Canada, but I have family here who depend on me, so I’m stuck (and they likely couldn’t emigrate).
I do feel sorry for the mouse and other critters. Until last night, we hadn’t had a decent rain in ages, so both water and food have been scarce. Rabbits, squirrels, and mice are eating anything they can find.
Bobbiem91
Other than today (Sat.) I’m working, but It get to go the the Williams 4th of July parade with my charge since the neighbors want to take him because his dad is riding in the parade (a mountain man).
I get the deadlines…as one of your memes said a while back…I just watch them fly by and get back to what I was doing.
Enjoy your weekend.
Janet Alcorn
Parades are fun! Haven’t been to one in ages though.
Now I’m thinking I’ll write something for a contest with an August 1 deadline, because I’m a glutton for punishment.
Gary A Wilson
Hi Janet – okay this was really funny (assuming you somehow manage to blow your mouse into small fragments) until you quipped about what I know to be members of the EU having 6 weeks of mandated vacation each year. I work a lot with some folks from Spain. Great guys all f them, but I would be that great if I never actually had to show up for work too. These guys are always OOO.
urg. . .
FYI :: a .22 rifle works much faster than a BB gun, but disproportionally annoys the neighbors. The BB gun is more likely to injure and would allow the mouse to know for some number of minutes that he had lost badly to the giant who owns this garden while letting the neighbors believe they live in a hood without violence. Pick your poison and spread a head. 🙂
Janet Alcorn
Yeah, I’d be afraid to discharge a weapon here even though we hear gunfire occasionally. We have really close neighbors. We’ll probably set a trap for the little creep. At least he’s staying outside.
Susanne
Hahaha, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the ending of this post!! LOL. Well, enjoy the long weekend. I couldn’t care less about long weekends right now because I can’t do anything fun anyway because I just came out of Covid prison and still need to stay away because I still have some sniffles and feel filthy and infectious.
Anyway, your tomato eater! You need a cat. Last night almost all our tomatoes were eaten and it took me a long time to figure out what it was (woodlice) and I couldn’t fix it because I couldn’t move the tomato plants. This year they’re in boxes outside (I had them in the small greenhouse last year) so maybe it will work.
Janet Alcorn
Ugh, sorry you had to deal with COVID. I hope your symptoms go away quickly. Unfortunately cats don’t last long here unless they’re kept indoors. Too many coyotes.
Natalie
Janet, Thank your for your weekend coffee share. I enjoyed reading this post and the memes, still laughing here… I hope you get to enjoy your tomatoes. Have a great weekend and happy 4th of July!
Janet Alcorn
Thanks, Natalie! I think the tomatoes are a lost cause, but I’m definitely enjoying the long weekend.
leannelc
That mouse is exceedingly cute but I totally understand that some due diligence is required to reach a happy tomato filled ending – good luck!
Janet Alcorn
Thanks! I try to make peace with the backyard critters, but I really would like a tomato once in awhile.
Kirstin
Oh gosh…..so funny….all of it…..from start to finish, though tragic about the tomatoes because there’s nothing better than a tomato right off the vine.
Janet Alcorn
Thanks! And yeah, I *love* homegrown tomatoes, so I’m not exactly pleased with our rodent visitor.
Diane Burton
Funny post. Loved the memes, esp. the Golden Girls. Thanks for cohosting.
PJ Colando
Funny, funny – and, we have a serial killer of our plump, ripe tomatoes, too!
(drum roll, please)
It’s a squirrel!
joylenebutler
The doe that strolled across our property last year came back with two newborn fawns. Dear Husband made sure the potato patch was covered with wire, but mum and babies haven’t returned. I’m thinking we should uncover the potatoes. Hi Janet! Delight post.
Janet Alcorn
Sorry to respond so late—just saw this. Deer are so pretty, but they can destroy a garden so fast. Good job getting the potatoes covered!