Why I don’t do Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is next week. Whoop-de-do. That spiny heart in the photo above is a nice encapsulation of my feelings about Buy-A-Bunch-Of-Pink-Crap day.
So’s this:
Yes, I’m a Grinch about V-Day, which seems odd for someone who occasionally writes romance. I believe in love, I know the anniversary of my first date with Long-Suffering Husband (Feb. 15). Hell, I can even be a hopeless romantic sometimes, though I keep that nonsense to myself so I don’t ruin my reputation as a crusty hater of all things pink and candy-hearted.
But Valentine’s Day? I have some trauma around that day. And I’m going to share it with you, right here and now. Don’t you feel special? (Note: I shared an abbreviated version of this story in last year’s V-Day post. This year you get all the gory details.)
But first: Welcome to the Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Natalie the Explorer! Grab a treat, have a seat, put your feet on the coffee table, and learn why pink ruffly stuff gives me an eye twitch.
Valentine trauma – the early years
I was a nerdy kid. I’m an only child, and I was raised in an adult world. I had no idea how to relate to kids when I was little, and I lived in a dysfunctional household with too much alcohol and not enough money. I wore second-hand clothes, had unkempt hair, and smelled of Dad’s cigarette smoke. Not having a pity party here, just explaining why I was not the girl who collected the biggest stack of valentines. OK, fine, no biggie, especially since the class V-day party usually involved candy or cupcakes. Those are better than little pieces of paper with hearts on them any day. But still, the messaging around Valentine’s Day starts young (or at least it did back then): Some kids are what the Brits call, “fanciable.”
Some are not.
The worst Valentine’s Day ever
Let’s fast forward to sophomore year of college, skipping over a lot of middle school drama and high school drama and freshman year of college drama to get to when my real issues with V-Day started: February 13, 1986.
The background
My father had been hospitalized a few days prior. Now if you’ve been reading this blog very long, you may know I didn’t have the best relationship with my father. But still, he was my dad.
During this time, I also had my first-ever boyfriend–and it wasn’t going well. Nothing terrible, just a 3-month college relationship on the downswing.
Day 0: Laying the Groundwork for the Valentine’s Day from Hell
Late on the afternoon of the 13th, I got back to my dorm, and Boyfriend and I had a discussion that turned into–you guessed it–a breakup. I had no illusions about this guy being the love of my life, but I did love him, and this was my first breakup, and it effing *hurt.*
An hour or so later, my phone rings. It’s my mother, with an update on Dad. He has lung cancer. In both lungs. Refusing treatment. Doctor gives him 6 months.
Yeah.
I drove home, the shock protecting me from collapsing into a sobbing heap.
The shock wore off about ten minutes before I made it home.
Day 1: The Valentine’s Day from Hell
Mom had to work the next day. That’s what people did then. It didn’t matter what state you were in–if it was a work day, and you weren’t in the back of a hearse, you worked. Well, she did. I called out of work and spent all of Valentine’s Day pacing around my house and sobbing.
If you know me in real life, you know I’m not a crier. I mean yeah, I’ll sniffle at a sad movie, but I stiff-upper-lip my way through almost everything in life. I was like that even as a teenager.
Not that time.
It was… bad.
Sometime in the afternoon, my best friend skipped class (she was a senior in high school) to come sit with me. I must have called her the night before when the disasters happened–I honestly can’t remember–and she must have known I’d be a mess.
I owe her for that.
I owe her for more than that… but that part’s coming up.
Day 2: The Day After the Valentine’s Day from Hell
The next day was Saturday, so Mom was home. I did better when I wasn’t alone. Mom took me out for lunch and shopping, and I was able to hold myself together.
Mostly.
Until she went to bed that night, and I was alone.
Cue the tears again.
And then the phone rang. It was a former co-worker I’d been interested in the previous summer, asking if I wanted to stop by the movie theater where he worked to say hi. Apparently my BFF had told him I was now single.
I cleaned myself up, put on some makeup, and went to see him. We had a nice chat, he asked me out, and I cheered up a little. Went back home, washed off the makeup, got back in my PJs, went back to being miserable.
Phone rings again. Now the guy wants to know if I can meet him at Chuck E. Cheese (where we’d both worked the previous summer). “I’m tired,” I said. “I’m in my PJs.” And I’m a mess and I just saw you like an hour ago.
But he was persistent, so I got dressed again, put on new makeup, and drove to Chuck E. Cheese, wondering why this guy was so desperate to see me again.
Folks, it was a different guy.
One of the hottest guys I’d ever seen.
I’d also met him at work the previous summer. He was a regular customer, and I’d spent every spare minute staring at him and trying not to get busted staring at him and… failing. I’d thought he was interested too–right up until he started dating my co-worker.
My co-worker the model.
Sigh.
Anyway.
I pretended I’d known it was him who called (because, duh). Turned out he’d called because, you guessed it, my BFF had told him I was single. Had she broadcast this news to the entire town? Taken out an ad in the paper, maybe?
Turned out he was single too. The model had broken up with him.
Shame, that.
Hot Dude and I hung out, left together, and ended up on something resembling a date. On February 15.
I married him 5 years later. My BFF was Maid of Honor.
On Wednesday, we’ll celebrate the 37th anniversary of our first date. We’ll probably buy a box of chocolate (50% off!) and complain about how old we are and how fast the years have gone.
And once again I’ll be grateful I cleaned myself up and went to Chuck E. Cheese that night even though I didn’t feel like it.
And maybe this year I’ll text my BFF to tell her thanks.
See, I’m not a crusty, unromantic cynic.
But Valentine’s Day still sucks.
The Memery – Valentine’s Day Edition
This edition of The Memery goes out to everyone who isn’t going to spend Valentine’s Day snuggling with the love of their lives–and everyone who, like me, develops an eye twitch when the seasonal aisle at Safeway turns aggressively pink.
Grumpy Cat – patron saint of V-Day
Valentine’s Day plans
All my dating years, encapsulated into one meme
Advantages of being single
Buy it on the 15th when it’s half off 🙂
And finally:
Sappy valentines I’ll probably send to Long-Suffering Husband
How about y’all? Do you love Valentine’s Day? Hate it? Ignore it entirely? Why? Gimme those heart-warming/tear-jerking/hilariously awkward V-Day stories!
19 Comments
trentpmcd
I do remember reading last year’s post and thinking that havign the guy dump you on (or almost on) V-Day turned out in your favor, but I did not know about the bad news about your dad part, nor, on the opposite extreme, the BFF that made your relationship with your LSH possible.
So, when is BFF day? Should be a huge holiday.
Janet Alcorn
BFF day really should be a huge holiday. I got to see her early this year for the first time in a long time, so I guess that was BFF day this year.
joylenebutler
that is the most perfect Valentine’s story I’ve ever heard! Ah, Janet, you are awesome. Thanks for sharing. I know reliving some of these stories must be painful. But you bring laughter and joy into my life with your blog. I lost my dad in 1983, and I get it. That rare of rare relationships: father and daughter.
Janet Alcorn
Thank you so much! It’s not so painful now, because that was a painfully long time ago. But it’s hard to lose a parent when you’re young, and it keeps being hard with every milestone they miss. As I said, my dad and I had a difficult relationship, but I found myself missing him when I had my son. He’d have loved being a grandpa.
I’m sorry you lost your dad young.
Elizabeth Seckman
I’d hate Valentine’s Day too. Just ignore it until the 15th and celebrate the good memory and the sale-priced chocolate.
Janet Alcorn
Exactly! Chocolate tastes just as good on the 15th.
Natalie
Janet, Thank you for your weekend coffee share. I’m sorry to hear you experienced V-Day trauma in early years and the bad news about your Dad’s health. Enjoy good chocolate on the 37th anniversary of your first date.
Janet Alcorn
Thanks! It’s hard to imagine having the 37th anniversary of anything. I feel like I shouldn’t be a day over 35 🙂
Bobbiem91
I’ve got the neatest guy. He cut down a tree for Christmas my first year with him when he found out I hadn’t celebrated Christmas in over 10 year. On Valentine’s day, he brought me one yellow rose held by a dinosaur which he sat on a bag of my favorite chocolate. I would have been happy with a hug and a kiss. He’s one of those guys you read about in the romance books who does everything right.
Janet Alcorn
That’s wonderful! I love the rose with the dinosaur!
Jennifer Jones
I love your prickly heart. I don’t do Valentine’s Day either, though I haven’t had trauma around it. I see it as being commercialism on steroids. I love it when my partner buys me flowers on any day of the year – because he wants to and not because some marketing guru tells the world he has to do it.
Janet Alcorn
Exactly! It’s a holiday that exists primarily to support the floral, greeting card, and candy industries. But, y’know… candy… 🙂
Joanne
I like Valentine’s day; I’d say it’s my second favorite holiday behind Thanksgiving… BUT I make all my own cards and while I have been known to buy my husband and boys a box of chocolates I usually go for something more unique like their favorite bag of trail mix or a new book they’ve eyeing. Something like that. Just a small little token to let them know I was thinking of them and then we usually have a nice family meal. I used to make little heart shaped pizzas or a special dessert too. I look at it as a fun way to break up the monotony of February.
Janet Alcorn
What a lovely way to celebrate! And yes, the monotony of February is a thing. When I lived in places with actual winter, February was rough, because by then I was so sick of rain/snow/cold.
Gary A Wilson
You want me to relate my valentine’s day story – a romance from a strictly non-romantic. . . ?
I’d have to make it short and sweet.
She was 19.
I was an elderly 24.
She somehow knew I was going to marry her.
I was convinced that she was too young and thus was, slowly discouraging her. . .
Enough that her room mates in college thought I was a jerk for not answering most of her multiple snail mails.
I was trying to lightly let her down from her delusions.
She hopped a jet to come visit me at my college, 2 states away.
By the 3rd day, we were engaged.
Now, I had to kill the synthetic jerk reputation I’d earned.
I carved her a wooden postcard that had her address and stamp on one side, then the words, “I love you girl!” on the other side.
It arrived. Her roommates swooned and forgave me of all jerk sins.
We married. . .
Finished undergrad about the same time.
Put her through grad school.
started our careers, then bought a house, then made three kids.
Raised them. Moved 3 times. Home schooled the kiddos.
Bought a bunch of books the started buying Kindle ebooks.
Found two comfy chairs to sit in while the kids finished college.
One (so far got married).
Another is in med school.
The third is one class away from finishing undergrad work.
We all live in three different time zones now.
My bride and I are now empty nesters – and disliking it.
43 years ago now.
We’re spending more time in those comfy chairs as the next chapter(s) unfold.
She’s already asleep in her chair for an afternoon nap.
I’m not fair behind.
I still love that girl.
Janet Alcorn
That story is adorable! Congrats to you and your lovely bride! There’s such deep joy in a long, happy marriage.
csuhpat1
Not a fan of Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t a great day for Fr.Valentine.
Kim Elliott
I’m sorry to hear about your horrible Valentine’s Day experience, but I like your storytelling style and the humor you see in everything. I can honestly say I’ve never had a good Valentine’s Day, and yet I love the idea of it. I love seeing all the hearts and roses in stores. I love fantasizing about a perfect, romantic date. I EAT UP those cheesy jewelry commercials on TV and on the radio. Every year, I watch Valentine’s Day, the movie, and the scenes where Taylor Lautner gives Taylor Swift the giant teddy bear make me stupidly, giddily happy.
Julie
I’m not too crazy about Valentine’s Day. This year is the first year my kid gets to celebrate it. I made sure the messaging on the cards weren’t too mushy. Thankfully I found printables that said things like “You are a good friend” or “You are smart” something that compliments the kids at her daycare even though I don’t know any of the kids there lol. For all I know maybe they’re monsters, but it’s better than handing out cards that say “will you be my Valentine?” or “Be mine.”