{"id":4913,"date":"2022-07-01T09:18:39","date_gmt":"2022-07-01T16:18:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/?p=4913"},"modified":"2022-07-01T09:18:41","modified_gmt":"2022-07-01T16:18:41","slug":"long-suffering-husband-catches-a-backyard-serial-killer-and-i-meet-some-deadlines","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/2022\/07\/01\/long-suffering-husband-catches-a-backyard-serial-killer-and-i-meet-some-deadlines\/","title":{"rendered":"Long-Suffering Husband catches a backyard serial killer, and I meet some deadlines"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>It&#8217;s been a busy week here at Camp WTF. Long-Suffering Husband caught a serial killer* in the act, and I met a couple of writing deadlines. But before we get to those thrilling tales: Welcome to the <a href=\"https:\/\/fresh.inlinkz.com\/party\/b92cd4f6f371494683a409ca94d8cbfe\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Weekend Coffee Share<\/a>, hosted by <a href=\"https:\/\/natalietheexplorer.home.blog\/2022\/07\/01\/why-my-june-was-wonderful\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Natalie the Explorer<\/a>! Grab a treat, pull up a seat, and let&#8217;s chat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>* Note: a nonstandard definition of, &#8220;serial killer,&#8221; is used in this post.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Writing News<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>I finished my short story for the\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/leftcoastcrime.org\/2023\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Left Coast Crime<\/a>\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.tucsonsistersincrime.org\/lcc2023-anthology\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Trouble in Tucson<\/em>\u00a0anthology<\/a>! It&#8217;s called &#8220;Adam Carmona and the Case of the Saguaro Ripper,&#8221; and I submitted it last night. I&#8217;m not optimistic about its chances, because it really needs to be about twice as long as it is, but maybe someone will decide my prose is, &#8220;sparse and unsparing,&#8221; rather than, &#8220;chopped up like a teenager in a <em>Friday the 13th<\/em> movie.&#8221; <\/li><li>I also submitted my poem, &#8220;The Future Held in Store,&#8221; for the Arizona Authors Association annual literary contest. I&#8217;ve never submitted a poem for publication before, so I&#8217;m not optimistic about its chances either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?<\/li><li>I&#8217;m hosting the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com\/p\/iwsg-sign-up.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Insecure Writers Support Group blog hop<\/a> this month! Stop by on Wednesday to check it out.  <\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Who&#8217;s eating the tomatoes? A backyard mystery<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>No, that isn&#8217;t the title of my new cozy mystery (I don&#8217;t write cozies, because I&#8217;m virtually incapable of writing more than 2000 words without including swearing and sexual innuendo). It&#8217;s a true crime story. Content warning: the following story involves the disembowling of an innocent nightshade berry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Another stifling summer morning dawns in midtown Tucson. It&#8217;s 85F by 8:00 AM, and I want a bacon and tomato sandwich. I stroll out the back door, meditating on the glorious miracle of air conditioning, to seek my sustenance. I reach the tomato bed and freeze. Something looks wrong. The tomato, my beautiful tomato, source of all that is good and right with my breakfast, looks&#8230; wrong. Misshapen somehow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I reach for it anyway, and as my hand closes around it, my finger sinks into a puddle of warm wetness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I jerk my hand back and shake the red gore from my finger. <em>Dear God, what abomination has befallen us?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When I can muster the courage, I examine the tomato. The underside of its plump, tender body gapes open, its guts bared and crusting over in the merciless desert sun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A wave of blistering fury surges through me. <em>I&#8217;m hungry, dammit!<\/em>  <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">#<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Over the next few days, the perp returns to the scene like the Green River Killer*. And each day, a little more of the corpse disappears as the killer feasts on its decaying guts. And then I find a fresh corpse, mutilated like the previous one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I resolve to find and destroy the source of this monstrous evil. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>* Whatever you do, do NOT read about the Green River killer&#8217;s return visits to his dump sites while eating. Trust me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">#<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;I need you to catch a serial killer.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Long-Suffering Husband stares at the box of Frosted Mini-Wheats in his hand. &#8220;It looks fine to me.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;No, no, not cereal. Serial. Don&#8217;t you watch Criminal Minds? Anyway, something is killing our tomatoes, and I want you to catch it.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>He shakes his head, pours milk on his cereal, and starts shoving Mini-Wheats in his face hole. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I take away his spoon and replace it with a camera and zoom lens. Then I tow him to the back window. &#8220;Stand here and watch the tomato bed. When the killer comes back, take a picture. We need evidence.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>&#8220;Can I at least have coffee? Cops on stakeouts get coffee.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">#<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>10 minutes later<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Long-Suffering Husband drops the camera on my desk. &#8220;Got &#8216;im.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I pop out the memory card, shove it into my computer, review the footage, and finally lay eyes on the evil being that has laid waste to my food supply. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Warning: The following image is graphic in nature. Some viewers may find it disturbing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"918\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-05.45.15-cropped-resized.jpg?resize=918%2C1024&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4916\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-05.45.15-cropped-resized.jpg?resize=918%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 918w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-05.45.15-cropped-resized.jpg?resize=269%2C300&amp;ssl=1 269w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-05.45.15-cropped-resized.jpg?resize=768%2C857&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-05.45.15-cropped-resized.jpg?w=928&amp;ssl=1 928w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 918px) 100vw, 918px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Our serial tomato-killer is: a mouse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Epilogue<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Because we operate our own backyard fiefdom in which due process does not exist, we will combine apprehension and execution into a single step in the judicial process&#8211;if we don&#8217;t decide to grant him clemency due to extenuating cuteness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Memery<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Just a few memes this week, because the aforementioned writing deadlines kept me from <s>wasting time on social media<\/s> doing research for this post. Here we go: <\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.02.37.jpg?resize=567%2C567&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4920\" width=\"567\" height=\"567\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.02.37.jpg?w=960&amp;ssl=1 960w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.02.37.jpg?resize=300%2C300&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.02.37.jpg?resize=150%2C150&amp;ssl=1 150w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.02.37.jpg?resize=768%2C768&amp;ssl=1 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 567px) 100vw, 567px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>I feel so called-out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.05.49.jpg?resize=653%2C332&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4921\" width=\"653\" height=\"332\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.05.49.jpg?resize=1024%2C521&amp;ssl=1 1024w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.05.49.jpg?resize=300%2C153&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.05.49.jpg?resize=768%2C391&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.05.49.jpg?w=1242&amp;ssl=1 1242w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 653px) 100vw, 653px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Truer words were never tweeted. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.06.50.jpg?resize=554%2C380&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4922\" width=\"554\" height=\"380\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.06.50.jpg?w=700&amp;ssl=1 700w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-29-21.06.50.jpg?resize=300%2C206&amp;ssl=1 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 554px) 100vw, 554px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Or in my case, &#8220;People who have tried to fight a goose.&#8221; For the record, the goose (a gander named Hannibal) and I reached a state of d\u00e9tente. He didn&#8217;t attempt to eviscerate my leg, and I didn&#8217;t hit him over the head with a garbage can lid. Boundaries are so important in relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-21.15.57.jpg?resize=518%2C629&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4925\" width=\"518\" height=\"629\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-21.15.57.jpg?resize=843%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 843w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-21.15.57.jpg?resize=247%2C300&amp;ssl=1 247w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-21.15.57.jpg?resize=768%2C933&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-28-21.15.57.jpg?w=1080&amp;ssl=1 1080w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 518px) 100vw, 518px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Replace coffee with &#8220;Diet Pepsi,&#8221; and this is entirely me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-26-21.16.14.jpg?resize=595%2C603&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4926\" width=\"595\" height=\"603\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-26-21.16.14.jpg?resize=1010%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 1010w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-26-21.16.14.jpg?resize=296%2C300&amp;ssl=1 296w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-26-21.16.14.jpg?resize=768%2C778&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-26-21.16.14.jpg?w=1257&amp;ssl=1 1257w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 595px) 100vw, 595px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"552\" height=\"518\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-22-21.24.11.jpg?resize=552%2C518&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4927\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-22-21.24.11.jpg?w=552&amp;ssl=1 552w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-22-21.24.11.jpg?resize=300%2C282&amp;ssl=1 300w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 552px) 100vw, 552px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Also the gas tank cover unlocker thingie. And the cruise control. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-24-18.22.00.jpg?resize=593%2C378&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4928\" width=\"593\" height=\"378\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-24-18.22.00.jpg?w=960&amp;ssl=1 960w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-24-18.22.00.jpg?resize=300%2C192&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-24-18.22.00.jpg?resize=768%2C490&amp;ssl=1 768w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 593px) 100vw, 593px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Substitute, &#8220;urban desert hellscape&#8221; for &#8220;fast-paced environment,&#8221; and&#8230; yeah. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And finally: <\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-22-20.56.12.jpg?resize=506%2C543&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4929\" width=\"506\" height=\"543\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-22-20.56.12.jpg?w=720&amp;ssl=1 720w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/janetalcorn.com\/staging\/1364\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2022-06-22-20.56.12.jpg?resize=279%2C300&amp;ssl=1 279w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 506px) 100vw, 506px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>I&#8217;ll show myself out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you&#8217;re in the USA: Enjoy the long weekend! Try not to blow off any appendages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you aren&#8217;t in the USA: We get a long weekend, and you don&#8217;t! Neener, neener, neener! (Wait, you get at least 6 weeks of vacation every year? Never mind.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Whatcha all got planned for the weekend? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It&#8217;s been a busy week here at Camp WTF. Long-Suffering Husband caught a serial killer* in the act, and I met a couple of writing deadlines. But before we get to those thrilling tales: Welcome to the Weekend Coffee Share, hosted by Natalie the Explorer! Grab a treat, pull up a seat, and let&#8217;s chat. * Note: a nonstandard definition of, &#8220;serial killer,&#8221; is used in this post.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4928,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"cybocfi_hide_featured_image":"yes","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,292,22],"tags":[28,321],"class_list":["post-4913","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-garden","category-weekend-coffee-share","category-writing","tag-amwriting","tag-memes"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Long-Suffering Husband catches a backyard serial killer, and I meet some deadlines - Janet Alcorn<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This week&#039;s adventures at Camp WTF include a backyard stakeout and (horrors!) writing deadlines. 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